As I search to find myself a job, with my big-city college degree and my fancy-font resume, I’ve realized that there aren’t that many jobs open in the professional sector during December and January. So I’ve had to resort to retail jobs, where the market is just as tight. The application process for a job at Turner Broadcasting, however, is a little different from that at Office Depot. For example, instead of sending your resume to a computer database and never hearing back from the former, with the latter you also get to take an extensive psychological testing procedure to make sure that you’re predestined to sell three-hole punches and disposable pens.
I shouldn’t give the impression that it’s just Office Depot that does this. No, I’ve done online submissions to several other big-box stores, and I’m sure that this application process is standard across the board.
Of what I’ve found, here’s their ideal candidate: a man or woman that never told a lie, never stole from their employer, enjoys being on their feet for long periods of time, can complete a task to fulfillment quickly and before a customer can approach them for help, has never broken any rule, has never broken any rule, and has never broken any rule.
The reason that I repeat that last qualification three times is because you will be asked to verify this several time in questions that are essentially the same but with a slightly different wording. Additionally, every question is littered with double negatives, and you are supposed rate these questions on a spectrum of “strongly agree,” “slightly agree,” “don’t know,” “slightly disagree,” “strongly disagree.” For instance:
You have never broken a rule when you didn’t know your parents would not be unhappy.
Strongly agree
Slightly agree
Don’t know
Slightly disagree
Strongly disagree
Of course, whenever I came to these types of questions I just answered “don’t know” because, honestly, I didn’t know. I could not comprehend that the hell they wanted from me.
My favorite part of the tests were to assess how virtuous you were. Specifically, they had to do with how truthful and upstanding you are. Keep in mind, to say that you are an honest person, that binds you to honestly answer every question you come to.
You have never broken a traffic law.
Strongly agree
Slightly agree
Don’t know
Slightly disagree
Strongly disagree
Of course this is a yes or no question. I guess you could say “don’t know” but this option is essentially a non-yes. And you’ve either broken a law or not, so there’s no need for this “slightly” nonsense. So answer the question: yes or no?
Yes, I have run a red-light. Yes, I did hit that gypsy with my car, and her retching death curse accounts for my sudden weight loss. AT LEAST NOW I CAN WEAR SHORT SHORTS AGAIN, YOU OLD HAG. Now you know what a horrible candidate I am, and my reckless driving will lead me to steal as many reams of paper I can get my hands on while I spit in the face of every customers on my beeline out the door.
Then to expand on the questions concerning how loyal and truthful and do-gooding you are, the tests set up these great hypothetical situations. I am going to transcribe, more or less, a question that was asked to me on my application for Old Navy:
If you received a $1 item from a large mail order house that you were not charged for, would you go through the trouble and expense to mail that item back to the mail order company?
Yes
No
If you got home and found that a sales person forgot to add a $1 item that you bought, would you return the next day and pay the $1 to the store?
Yes
No
If you got merchandise by accident from a vending machine, would you put the money in the machine anyway?
Yes
No
Here we go. If you’re saying “no” to these questions, than you are are a normal human being that uses reason and logic to these situations. You might ask yourself, “Why would I be responsible for the mistakes of the business?” But you are wrong and are a horrible person who Old Navy will not hire. If you answered “yes,” then you exhibit the correct ideals that the good people at Old Navy are looking for. Also: you are a replicant, and will be “retired.”
Now this last question takes the cake. Did this honestly make sense to the person writing it, or have they never used a modern day machine in their life? Maybe you’re supposed to put money into the machine and leave without making a selection, so the next person can face the same philosophical dilemma that perpetuates until the machine is filled again. Maybe you’re supposed to put money in the machine and then wait around for the vending machine man to come, fending off people who just want a bag of Funyuns. Maybe you’re supposed to use your replicant super-strength to pry open the machine and place the money into it.
So how well did I do? Let’s just say that, since I’ve been looking for jobs, every single job that I apply for having one of these tests, I haven't heard back from. I guess I’m just too real for those algorithms to handle. But I have had some success in (get this) any job where I can talk to a real human being and exhibit my true human talents. How about that? Maybe this real-life human interaction thing will catch on. And the next time you’re shopping at Best Buy, remember: your salesperson is a goddamn lying robot.
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